And the crowds don’t remember my name

It’s almost the end of the month and this is my first post of the year. I’m also feeling extremely claustrophobic. At times, at most. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I remember very clearly that I definitely liked going to school more than going to work now, despite my grades and some unpleasantness.

I realise that I didn’t know how to organise my thoughts into words the past few weeks. I haven’t been going out with a lot of friends and I also haven’t been on ‘adventures’ which I thought I would, like exploring Singapore or something, I don’t know.

I don’t even know what to write in these posts anymore. But I want to write. I’ve recently started writing about my daily life again, my thoughts, whenever I can while I’m working. I also kept thinking about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to do so this coming Monday because it’ll be busy, every single Monday is. I can’t even begin to describe how much I’m dreading work because it didn’t interest me. My colleagues who are actually of my age only come to work because they needed to save up as well, for reasons that are as impractical as our age, such as travel, play & adventure. It doesn’t intrigue me and for some reason I just find that…mundane. I go to work and then I come back home and maybe enjoy a dinner outside once a week. How eventful, huh. I haven’t even really laughed properly while working. It’s been almost a month and none of my colleagues have heard my genuine laughter. I feel closed in and very deprived of contentment and any real interaction.

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It is one of my closest friend’s birthday today, and it saddened me so much to think (for a few days already) that I don’t even know how to ask him out to celebrate his birthday for him because he’s already in the army, and I’m working and his weekends are probably reserved for his friends. We are the kind of friends who didn’t need to talk, but every single time we do, it’s non-stop. I remember the last time we did, we spent about 2 or 3 hours outside the Multi-Purpose Hall of my college just talking. Okay, I did a lot of the talking but I really enjoyed the process. I do. But I really wonder when the next time is going to be.

Speaking of talking to a close friend, I just met up with 3 of my closest friends yesterday. It felt great to be gathering around like that again and every time we do I feel like time just passes so fast and we’re unable to finish what we are supposed to be catching up on, y’know? I’m wishing for the next time to be just as fantastic. I need more of these types of meetings with all my close friends but I just wish that people would bother to actually take more initiative; I dislike initiating these meet-ups but somehow I end up doing it even if I’m not the one who suggested them.

Tomorrow, there is a slight possibility that I’ll be meeting another close friend who’ll be going back to Australia for her studies (she was just here on break). She won’t be coming back for the next 2 years and I’ll really miss her so, so much. I just wish that I can always feel the physical presence of my loved ones, but that’d be awkward so I guess not. Additionally, I have another close friend, who’ll be going to Australia to study and I won’t be able to send him off this coming Saturday. I feel like a horrible friend because of this. These 2 things make me hope that I won’t be crushed by all the feels this week. Crossing my fingers and hoping that I can deal with everything that gets thrown at me the next 7 days. Then again, if someone has hit rock bottom, then the only way would be up and that’d be a great & easy place to start, wouldn’t it?

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