TOTT #1

Humans really do need a physical reminder of someone’s absence in order for them to start treasuring the amount of time they spend together. I can’t remember the last time I missed someone so much that my heart ached, but this is one of those times. It’s silly to think about, but when my mind drifts over this topic, it can’t stop. Hence, thoughts on the train (TOTT).

This makes me wonder if my physical presence affects anyone. It was impossible to ignore my presence when I was schooling – I’m loud and sarcastic 95% of the time. When I’m not, it becomes weird and unusual. I thought of something, What happens when I’m not around? Do people actually miss me? If i enjoy your company, I become needy for your attention. It’s bad because it feels like I can’t live without people around me, when in fact I can. I go out alone, I don’t mind shopping alone, and neither do I mind eating alone. Other than eating alone, which I honestly would prefer not to, I’ve done the other 2 many times. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But I’m just wondering if people miss my presence when I’m not physically there. Such a weird topic to approach; and if you want to hear my own answer: no,  I don’t think people actually miss my presence, they just notice it. I guess this is how I keep myself interesting – by attracting as much attention as I can get. I used to think of the adjective “attention-seeking” as an insult, but now I’m so neutral towards it, it kind of scares me. I’ve toned down by so much though, I’m proud of myself, sort of. I mean, I take insults pretty well too.

I’m afraid though, that because of my personality I do not command respect among some other people around me. It scares me a lot, actually. This is the 2nd reason for this heartache that I am experiencing today. It physically hurts. Can someone save me from this wrench inside that is tearing my heart apart?

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