I always try to put myself in others’ shoes so that I don’t say the wrong things or make the wrong move, because there’s a saying: Do to others what you want others to do to you. Right?
I try and I try but as a very flawed human being, I slip. Through these cracks that I didn’t know existed and somehow I plunge. I was plunging, fast – and then the realisation that I’m falling kicks in. I start panicking and seek forgiveness for whatever wrong I have done. But that person may not be receptive because there is also another saying: Apologising after you have killed someone doesn”t bring the person back to life.
So, you start to regret.
This is exactly how I feel now. I said the wrong thing, by accident because it was meant to be a joke. That person responded badly and I realised my mistake, so I apologised but now, I am not sure where everything stands. I’m so confused, and slightly hurt that that person would take offence in whatever I said. But I know I was in the wrong so I would be more than relieved to take the blame.
Even though I’m worrying to death right now.
Many people mistake me as the kind who is not so sensitive. They are wrong. I spent so many years building a wall to deflect the insults and hate hurled at me but I still feel every punch, every hit and every little nudge. I can pretend like I don’t care and laugh it off but it will get me thinking for the next few days or so, even months, if it was a close friend.
I wished many times that I can just live fearlessly without a care about what others think about me. I even tried to be like that kind of person – carefree and full of life. But the truth is, I can’t. No matter how hard I tried I feel like I owe the world something and it would kill me to be such a person because I am not equipped. I’m not the prettiest, not the most capable and neither am I the most hardworking person out there. How am I to live a carefree life?
I am so aware that the world does not revolve around me. But when unfortunate things keep happening, I cannot help but dwell in my own bubble for awhile and just….hibernate. There are 5.4 million people in Singapore and 7.4 billion people in the whole world. Every single one of us earthlings have different fates and different paths that we wish to pursue, but that does not make us any less human. We all face difficult times and it really is okay to feel like your heart is broken.
Words of affirmation is my love language. I used to be embarrassed to reveal this but now that I know there are many others like me, I would gladly share this. It is so important that I receive praises for what I am doing so that I will do even better. I guess many people don’t know that, or maybe they try to sugarcoat the truth because they think that I don’t do well with bad comments and hate them. Which is not true. I appreciate whatever have to say about me because I know that there is an underlying truth.
I am getting tired of trying to be a better version of myself mainly because I don’t see much changes in the way people view and think about me. I know it shouldn’t matter because I should live for myself, but it does. It really does matter. At this phase I am only hoping that I don’t get so tired that I give up. I don’t want to give up.