Driving the edge of a knife

Have you ever been so upset that all you want to do is to cry all day? It’s torturous, the amount of tears you allow yourself to drop, when you don’t even allow yourself to cry when your favourite movie character died in that movie you love so much. Then again, you don’t know how to describe this hurt. It’s sickening. When someone’s words kills you, and their actions irk you, all you want to do is to get the hell out of this abusive relationship. But all you can think of at the same time, is how much this person has also helped you in ways that many others can’t. But you’re so fucking done. This is what happens when you’re upset, you want to stay the hell out, because fuck everything, you’re better on your own anyway. However when you’re no longer upset, you want to pacify that someone, make them happy and do everything in your power to make sure that they don’t get angry at you because you’d really be done. You won’t be able to take anymore of their bullshit because there is so much to say but you can’t. You can’t even mouth any of those things you kept bottled inside of you, ready to explode. You can’t bring yourself to hurt that someone, or rather, you know that someone won’t allow you to hurt them, because they so fucking goddamn defensive. You can’t escape from this fucked up hellhole that you are basically dropped into. You’re just going to continue suffering. You think to yourself, if there was really a reincarnation wheel, why the hell weren’t you born somewhere else across the globe because then you wouldn’t be suffering like this. But the thought of poverty and warfare strikes your mind and you reconsider that thought, because you know you’re fortunate to be sufficient and safe, at least. But, are you really happy? Can you ever be?

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