This world is not my oyster

Why are some of the relationships that I am in so toxic? It sometimes hurts to even breathe the same air as some of the people around me. But I am not a master of pretending that I’m fine when I’m not. In the past I thought I was good at it – carrying around a facade that nobody could see through. I don’t know what happened but I am no longer able to fool anyone. I found out recently that I wear my feelings on my face, be it annoyance, anger, happiness or stress. Especially stress. Everyone can see it, which is why I have been so annoyed at everything in general. Being defensive is my defence. I’m starting to dislike that people are acting according to what I want, because they don’t challenge me at all. They do not make me feel like I really have won when I say I want to something. I think I am starting to consider those people toxic too. As much as I’m hating myself for thinking this way, I cannot help it. Fuck all of it, just let me loose. I can’t wait for the day when I can let go of myself and stop being so uptight. I remember being so offended the first time told me that I’m uptight, although I already knew for a fact that I am. Now, I want to be the person who knows exactly when and how to let go. Let others challenge me, then win squarely. 

I have to also stop being contented with life. Just recently I heard from someone that you can’t just be contented with life, or where you are at this certain stage of life because that is when you stop improving, that is when your thirst for improvement ceases. After I heard this I realise I’m getting too comfortable and contented with where I am and I hate it, which is why I am learning but I don’t want to become a different person because of that. Then again, I don’t think I can stop myself from being annoyed at certain things even when I know I shouldn’t be. I don’t know. P.s. friends, if you read this post and decide that you can talk me into telling you what’s going on, don’t try. Unless you’re ready for an argument. So please don’t, I don’t want to sound rude but please don’t. please.

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kikym

Of sunshine, positivity & oximoronic writing. I'm 19 years old this year. I created this blog with the intention of ranting and also to become a hipster but it has brought me nowhere. So here I am, hoping that people enjoy what I write. I never thought I would be sitting here and hoping that someone reads my blog and is actually inspired by it, but I sincerely wish that everyone who stops by will enjoy what I write, especially if it's relatable.

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