Being an Ambivert

Being an Ambivert

I don’t know how many people can relate to this – being an ambivert. For people who are reading this and wondering which spectrum of extrovert or introvert this term belongs to, it actually refers to being a mixture, or a balance of both.

First of all, being an ambivert means you are so awkward when it comes to meeting new people. Take for example, a social event, maybe a party. You are never sure if you are able to successfully strike up a conversation with someone you think you would genuinely like to know. Wait, you can’t even muster up the courage to approach them in the first place. You can’t even imagine what to say if you were to initiate anything. So you wait until someone, hopefully a mutual friend,  introduces you to this person. At this point, you feel lucky and happy to know this mutual friend just because that he/she introduced you to the person you wanted to know.

Then, the awkwardness begins. However, you are not a stranger to small talk at all! You engage in a conversation to know more about this person because well, that is what you had wanted to do in the first place. You are careful about revealing too much, you do want that person to keep on talking, and you are cautious about the things you say but at the same time, you want to blurt out so many things.

Consequently, the both of you start to become closer and closer, gradually but surely. Regardless of gender, you feel thankful to have met him/her at the party because it was the event that brought you together. Despite this appreciation, you are somehow still unable to open your heart up to that person fully, no matter how much he/she divulges. It is a headache, to constantly contemplate whether or not to say something that matters to yourself but more than that, you may be worried that this friend might judge, or lower their opinions of you.

Ego-involvement. That is it, no matter what you do, you are somehow unable to let go of this sense of pride in you.

Do you see? If this is relatable to you in some sense, you do have traits of an ambivert, which I believe most people are. There are some people, howbeit, who balance this ambiverted sense of self better than others.

My inspiration to write about this stems from my inner emotions and thoughts that I don’t usually confide in people. I don’t know if I’m going to regret posting this, but it is something that I thought was interesting enough to share.

Being an ambivert has probably made you realize that this world is made up of really nice people. Simultaneously, it is made up of really nasty people as well. Enclosing yourself in your own comfort zone may not be as bad as people think, neither is being alone. Being adventurous though, is something that you know you want, from the bottom of your heart. People nowadays are all for living in the now and #YOLO, right?

Periodically, you crave attention. You want someone to notice you for something that you are doing. Other times, all you want to do is go home and wrap yourself under the blanket and stop interacting with the world.

You are easily influenced by your peers, just as you are easily influenced by that soft but assertive voice in your head. Sometimes, there is no in-between. At times, you cannot spell out your decisions because you don’t know what your heart desires, even if it is a simple conclusion. To put it simply, you know what you want, but you just cannot put your mind to it and tell yourself that is the best decision you can make. You’re neither decisive nor indecisive, something along these lines.

Somehow, everything to you is a passing phase. Oh, I liked flat water bottles at one point because they seemed practical, now I like big and round ones because they are even more practical. Oh, I liked haversacks at one point because it is convenient, now I like tote bags because they are even more convenient. Oh, I liked pens with covers at one point because they looked classy, now I like retractable pens because they look even classier. It is because of this that you cannot decide what to buy for yourself, knowing that you’ll get tired of it. Even this thought makes you exhausted after awhile.

You never know how to describe yourself when the occasion calls for it. For instance, when someone asks you to list something interesting about yourself, you would think all the way back to kindergarten and eventually, manage to find something to say that may not even impress people who were listening. It’s pretty tragic.

Nevertheless, you are beyond grateful that you are an ambivert because you can empathise with both introverts and extroverts. In spite all that was said, the perks of being an ambivert are truly remarkable, to say the least 🙂

Maybe this is just me. 

To 2016

I had begun to write a gratitude post for the people I am truly thankful for in the year 2016 like I did in 2014, but realised that it meant including lots of patronising and superficial content, so I decided that instead of just posting photographs and writing paragraphs of words that I don’t think will really sink into people’s minds, I will show my gratitude by appreciating and treasuring them more in my heart. Below are just some lessons that I have learnt throughout the 12 long months in 2016.

Things I’ve learnt in 2016 (so far) was written in June. Many of those things still hold true and are dear to me even though they are unexplained. I wrote the 10 things I have realised because I was extremely upset at a conflict that was supposedly over, but came back to haunt me. To be honest, I don’t think I have these 10 lessons drilled in my head yet despite the use of the word learnt. As mentioned above, these are the 10 things I have realised – a tad bit late, but better late than never, right? – as I was trying to sort my thoughts.

“I want so much to be strong.”

“The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.”

2016 had been such a painful year for me. I crashed emotionally harder than I ever did, and I was not the person I envisioned myself to be. It would be absurd and unrealistic to believe that I can become that person in just 12 months, but one can try. Baby steps, right?

Emotions are humanistic. They are natural but may not be wanted, yet they exist anyway. In order to be strong it does not mean that one has to be void of emotions, it just means that he would have to be in control of them and use them appropriately. Point #2 to remember.

Nobody else can look down on me except myself. At the same time, I don’t want to be one of those people who “peaks in high school”.

This was something said in several movies and books, and it’s something that is unerasable from my mind. High school for me was three years ago but since then, it was like I never found my calling. I am still stuck in this circle of “I don’t know what I want”. One fact that I have grasped is that most things never stick – acquaintances, friends, closer friends etc. I was not expecting to be in contact with everyone I knew, but popularity never lasts. I just wish I knew that when I was 14 years old. So here is another thing to add to my resolutions: do everything as if there will never be a second chance. That’s how I would know if I am truly passionate about something, or anything at all.

Cheers to a new year ahead of me, as I turn 20. May the obstacles I face be just a phase in my life, and may they always make me stronger than before. 2016, thank you for this hell of a ride, but I quite glad to be saying this personal goodbye to you. Let’s hope 2017 will be better than just average 🙂

 

You should go and love yourself

Recently I have been trying to keep myself busy and I feel like I am happier than ever. More than anything else, I have always been a rather happy person. What I’ve been doing makes me feel more purposeful and it is just so…. fulfilling.

Firstly, I have just ended my work contract at NUH! Although it did not end on a good note (given that I was sick for the last three days), I am glad to have had this experience! It did teach me a lot about tolerance and also the many, many people that we will encounter in life. So here’s a invisible thank you to NUH for giving me such an opportunity! For now, I am jobless and happy 🙂

Secondly, I have just started volunteering at the Society for the Prevention of cruelty to Animals (SPCA). Even though as of now, I have not started on a single session yet, but I have already gone for the orientation and honestly cannot wait to start on my first upcoming session. It is not my intention to sound ‘noble’ or anything, but I would just like to clarify, that volunteering at SPCA is something that I was thinking of since I was 14 and now that I have finally set my mind to do it, I cannot be happier, truly.

Thirdly, I have started a movie blog! I decided to start a movielog. Blog, video log (vlog), movie log….. movielog, get it? You can access it here! It is something that I am completely new to and the idea of having just started it really excites me. I have been writing quite frequently, even though the posts may sound novice and overly positive. But so far, I have gained a few followers so I am looking forward to writing more and better in the future. It takes a little bit of brainstorming but the overall process is fun!

Last but not least, I am going to be starting my driving lessons in August! I am so looking forward to starting the lessons because I really hope to be able to get my driving license by this year. While waiting, I will be going for my final theory practices and evaluation so as to avoid wasting time.

I am very glad that for now, I am able to live life as much as I can. It is really what I have wanted for the longest time – to live my life to the fullest, or as much as I can. I just did it 🙂 More updates will be coming soon so do look out hehe.

If I get another chance to

 Bear with me for this long overdue post!! For reminiscing’s sake 🙂

Adventures in Haji Lane turned out well with Manda – and I especially loved these photos taken. B&W because it captures all the elements so well in contrast to the coloured ones because it was a lot to take in. So glad to have this outing with this very very busy woman!! She’s always such a delight to have around I think I will always be over-attached.

I felt ever so proud when I saw my friends playing amongst the pros, even though it honestly isn’t that big of a deal, given that it was a hat. But my sun-kissed skin and my teammates’ adoration for this sport reminds me again and again why I am going to stay in this sport as long as I can.

Ulty Schools weekend was enlightening. It was the first time I got to see my brother on the field and I saw for myself the person who has grown up – he’s now taller than me, probably plays the sport better than me. He has his own flaws, but who am I to mention them when all I see is his potential on and off the field? Cannot be more proud and satisfied of his performance no matter how he think he performed!!!

Friends!!! So glad we managed to have a meal together because somebody burden and almost cancelled on us despite being the one who suggested it pffft. All went well though, I managed to catch Zootopia after this, which was good as well! My love for animated movies will probably never die so….. bear with me, friends. One’s going to Australia and the other’s going to Tekong, please make the best use of your time and be safe always!!

Lastly, to one of the best seniors ever, have a very blissful and fulfilling marriage! You are honestly one of the most difficult people to deal with but I will never forget the times we talked and you being ever so encouraging (despite being a pessimist, sort of).

I think documenting such random little events in my life is so important. Deleted my previous posts before 2016 because I felt that there was too much burden in the posts that I’ve written and I just want to forget some of the feelings. It’s a new year, and let’s  hope I’ll never delete any posts ever again.

So shine forever

I spent my last week having dinner with all the friends that I really wanted to catch up with, and it felt good because at least I was still in good spirits. Needless to say, it’s mainly because our results will be revealed this Friday and I can’t be more anxious for it.

Swee Choon virgin experience was ultra yumz!!! Didn’t snap food photos because that’s just how I am. Food > aesthetics, always. Had a really lovely time, which makes me want the next food outing reaaaal soon.

But last Monday, I had a good ol’ catch-up session with these 3 girls who mattered the most in my entire JC life. So glad to have been able to gossip, and talk just like old times. Who’d thought though, that it’d be such a impromptu and lovely gathering.

On Wednesday, I met up with Sandra to catch up on everything and it felt sooooo goooooood. It’s always too long before our next meet up but each one is always reminds me why it’s worth the wait (-:

On Friday, I met with the 2 most idiotic people in my life. Let’s just say, they make up at least 20% of the reasons that I survived JC and for that, I’m thankful for their friendship. Which I hope will last, even though someday we might run out of topics and people to gossip about.

CNY reunion after CNY. How classic of us to procrastinate even such things….. Kidding, it was because of army that many people couldn’t make it, so we had to have it but  potluck was fun!! And extremely filling for both my stomach and my heart. Thank you for staying such a fun bunch to be around, and for being the craziest people to laugh with & talk to!!!!! 

Gratitude Post 2014

I basically started writing this on the 21st so that I’d have exactly 10 days to sort out my thoughts and give 2014 a good ending, by giving the people who deserve my appreciation a dedication. Last year, I did one on my dayre account and barely anyone knew about it. If you happen to see this go see if you’re one of the people I thanked!!! (-:

This year has no doubt been the year where I experienced and learned so many new things. Like I’ve said before, I don’t regret a single thing, because all my choices are what I’ve wanted at that point in time and I may decide that I dislike the choice I made, but it doesn’t mean that I regret it. There are certain groups and individuals I’d like to thank this year and this post is dedicated to these beautiful people, as well as my learning experiences of the year.

204’11 clique (7/8):
Didn’t meet many of you individually or anything this year so just gonna thank y’all as a whole. You guys have been great and all, being funny & not changing (which is very nice). I’m so glad we met up at the start of the year for the 204’11 BBQ!! We got to catch up a little bit before everything got busy in JC. I also just realised that all of us are in JC? This is amazing yet kind of sad because we will forever be busy hahaha. But love you guys, and thank you so much for existing & just being you guys!!

 

OG 22:
YOU GUYS!! Ok I’m rly lazy to insert a photo of my OG but these 2 are my main bimbz so. They accompanied me through the quiet days of orientation!!! My OG was so quiet and I’m the most noisy one (as always?). These 2 are my bimbz & I always can’t wait to have a catch up session with them. We waited way too long for the last one and I hope our next one will be soon! Love you girls and thank you for existing and simply making my life fantastic during orientation. Seriously, you girls are da bomb!!! (-:

 

NHAJ Class of 2015:
These fun bunch accompanied me through the scariest first few days of school and I’m so thankful to have met all of them because somehow I found strength in numbers!! It’s so nice to know several people who I was not close to in NH in AJ, chatting & laughing like we’ve known one another for a long time.

 

29/14:

16 people, who are all filled with crazy amounts of energy and extremely fun. Even though we are not the most academically-inclined class in the college, we will try our best!!!!!! Thank you guys for all the fun and craziness that we’ve been through the entire year and I can’t be more grateful for everything (-:

 

Closest friends from 29/14:
Thank you guys for being so crazy and tolerating me and one another for a year HAHAH. Next year will be hell and let’s strive to get good grades together!!! You guys have been nothing but supportive and I’m so glad to have y’all as classmates.
(from left to right)


Amanda Lim:
Little dweeb!!! Thankful for her existence in my life! I love her even though she whines so much and sometimes I just treat her like my little sister cos she really feels like one to me HAHAHA. We spend the most time together and she’s (most of the time) so supportive of my choices and I feel comfortable around her so and I think that’s all that matters. AND we need to study hard together okay???


Jia Ning:
I still remember how I met her and somehow we became kinda close after orientation period after we realised we’re in the same class. Her sense of humour is my fav not even kidding HAHAH. She cracks me up so bad and the best part is, she doesn’t even realise it! That’s how amazing she are at making me laugh, and I love everyone who can make me laugh.


Jacinta:
 She’s so tiny!!! HAHAH but she’s hardworking and I feel like I can be more like her but then I’m so lazy (probably lazier than her -winks-). She’s like this bubble of happiness and I’m always glad to have her around in class and after class! 
AJU:
SO GLAD TO HAVE JOINED THIS CCA AND DISCOVERED SO MANY FRIENDS. This bunch is the funniest that I have ever encountered and they can always make me laugh no matter how bad my day has been. Recently we also spent a lot of time together and it’s been really crazy and nice to see them every other day because they can always make my day??? Despite how I play, despite how difficult training can be for me, they are there. I have half a year more to spend with them before the next IJCs and I can’t wait to train harder and go further on this journey with all of them! And to the seniors, thank you for founding this CCA and thank you guys for being such dedicated and nice seniors. You guy have been role models 🙂

Special thanks –
(1st row, 3rd from left) – Jia Qi:
Didn’t interact with her much in Nanhua and boy am I glad to have talked to her in AJU and became a little closer! Best captain award goes to her?? (Sorry Matien) She’s so dedicated towards the CCA it makes me thankful to have her as the captain. I’m also glad we can talk nonsense and even study together (the few times we did). I really enjoyed the holiday trainings because I also got to interact with her more 🙂

(1st row, 2nd from right) – Weisheng:
We only became closer this year (because same CCA & previously same class) and I’m so thankful for his presence HAHA. He makes everyone laugh all the time and he’s so nice to everyone. Have I mentioned before that he used to be (and maybe still is) my role model? We didn’t talk a lot in secondary school despite being in the same class for 2 years and I’m kinda happy that we got to talk more this year and of course, know each other more!!

(2nd row, girl on the left) – Chuan Hwee:
Also nhrian!! So glad to have known her better here in AJU. She can be so blur yet so funny at the same time HAHAHA. It’s nice to have her as a friend because she is always motivated to do better for (and with) the team. Thankful for her and her lame jokes (sometimes) during trainings HAHA.

(Not here) – Josephine:
AYE budz. Thank you for being you haahhahaha I’m so thankful for having you in the team honestly. You’re so funny and most of the time I just spend on laughing at you. Keedz, but for real, I like how we can talk about anything and you’re always so funny and I LOVE YOUR REACTIONS because they are one to watch! HAHA thank you for being such a lovely & gay teammate thank you for existing!!!

To the new guys:
Thank y’all for being so active and nice and everything!!! The Whatsapp chats are only active because of you guys and it’s nice to see positive energy from y’all all the time. Also, you guys are really great people to talk to and have fun with!!!

408’13 Clique (only photo with 7/8):
Even though we haven’t been meeting up very regularly, the love that I received from them individuals have been ever so lovely. The thing is, I never expected us to stick together after O’s and surprisingly, we did and the nicest thing is, some of us still study together and go out sometimes. Mostly Yu Qie, Sandra and Shihui but I’ve spent more time this year with them than I’ve expected to!! That’s enough for me because we still catch up and chat about funny things. And Mr Mun!!! He’s the best teacher anyone can ask for honestly. But everything I want to thank him for is mentioned in last year’s gratitude post so yea.

Elsie/Liyun & Lycia (1st from right):
Haven’t caught up with them a lot lately. But nonetheless they’re always there to support us and I’m thankful for that! I love them because they’ve always been so encouraging and nice about everything.

(3rd from left) – Shi Hui:
Been talking to her the most, really. She’s retarded as always but I always love talking to her because she’s so happy it influences me HAHA. We study together when we can find the time (rarely) on Saturdays but sometimes even though the study date don’t really work out it’s nice to study with her when it does work out! She knows a lot of things that are ongoing in my life and somehow I’m thankful for her presence because she keeps me sane sometimes from all the pressure in JC.

(3rd from right) – Sandra:
My crazy laughing buddy!! She’s so nice to have around I really love her. There were a lot of negative news coming from her at the starting of the year but I realised that I have to be supportive of her just because I am her friend!!!! I felt so guilty afterwards. I didn’t tell her all of this and if you’re reading this I’m sorry to have believed those things 😦 BUT anyway! She’s been nothing but nice & encouraging and although we’ve drifted apart she will be close to my heart hehe. We need to have more study dates!!

(2nd from right) – Yu Qie:
My fun friend??? HAHAHA used to hang out with her a lot and miss the times that we used to! I like how serious she gets when she’s studying and I like studying with her because of that. Thankful for her existence because I can always talk about anything & everything with her and feel comfortable with it. Wouldn’t have been able to survive last year without her craziness and glad to still be meeting up for study sessions this year.

Joy (not here):
The mama of the group as well as the class! She’s organised and she kept most of the class matters in place last year and I’m so thankful for that. She’s funny and so down-to-earth it’s really nice to have her around. She’s one of the most selfless people I’ve met and tbh I treat her as my role model in certain aspects.

NHSJAB Squad 43’10:
SO SO thankful to have met all of you guys in sec 1 and I was totally not appreciative of you guys but then I discovered how retarded all of us can be. It’s really nice to have met you guys during mid-autumn!! Great reliving those moments when we are just crazy childish all the damn time HAHA. I really appreciate all of you guys (even though about half the squad is not here hahaha)

Especially Rei (2nd from left)!!!
Thank you for having been my classmate for 2 year and squadmate for 4 years!! Even though I’m the one tolerating you most of the time, you still rock. HAHAH he can always always make me laugh no matter what’s the situation and he’s always there for his friends no matter what. Although we’ve drifted apart, I hope we can always continue to talk like old friends!!! He’s one amazing person, seriously.

Also, Kelly (2nd from right)!
HAHA babe has been my husband for how many years and still faithful (hopefully). I haven’t been catching up with her a lot throughout the year but I’m so glad that we never ever run out of topics when we see each other and catch up. I appreciate her so much for being so lovely and not changing!!! 

408’13!!!
Last minute addition because you guys are so damn lovely. I can’t believe I took my last group photo of the year with you guys. Can’t thank you guys enough for being so damn fantastical & superb!!! Love hanging out with y’all and even though yesterday was a tad bit awkward at the start, it was fun. You guys made 2012 & 2013 amazing & memorable for me. I still think of some antics we did/had last year and smile to myself HAHAHA.

To Lucinda (whose face is half covered here):
She’s such an amazing friend even though you went to Australia!!!! I’m honestly glad we got close last year (somehow). She’s always so genuine and lovely and cool HAHA. I appreciate her efforts in keeping in contact with her friends because when she’s miles away I kinda miss her sometimes. Not just the distance, but also HER y’know.

That’s it for the people who’ve helped me so much this year. Thank you guys for existing in my life and oh my gosh, thank you all for even existing. I can’t stress how thankful I am to all the people I’ve met this year and if I’ve talked to you personally and you’re here, you’re very important in my life. If you’re not here it doesn’t mean that you are not important! All my friends play really important roles in my life and to be honest I can’t be more thankful for all of your presence.