Unpleasantries

Back here again with somehow, time to come on this site. Maybe I’m not looking into my planner because I don’t want to find more things to do. Maybe I’m here because I needed a release and I haven’t written in so long. This is barely decent writing, but I hit the bookmark icon on my chrome page and just started typing anyway. Life has a funny way of expressing its discomforts, like throwing obstacles at us innocent, good-willed beings. Hey, who said this had to make sense? Maybe this is about the unhealthy environment that I somehow got myself into, and am trying to get out of but still kind of trying to know the situation. Y’know, gossip. Then there is the part where I don’t know if I should tell someone that they are starting to change into a personality that I don’t particularly adore. Oh, or it could be the upcoming things to worry about but I’m not looking into my planner so I wouldn’t know. Okay that’s it, I’m looking into my planner, bye.

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To 2017

2017 IS OVER?!

How did that happen? Oh my, time flew by and I was totally not ready for the year to be over and then 2018 just arrived. If anyone asked me what I did in 2017, I don’t think I would have time to finish describing everything that happened within an hour. Here are just some of the things that I have completed/accomplished.

  • I got 95/100 for a paper that I wrote.
  • I passed my driving test.
  • I withdrew from studying at SIM.
  • I went for an admission interview and test at NTU (and thought I nailed it).
  • I matriculated as an undergraduate at NTU.
  • I survived NTU’s sports camp.
  • I entered sports club and became a programmer (someone who plans).
  • I am part of Surf N Sweat 2018’s organizing committee.
  • I finished a semester in school with results that isn’t too shabby.

With that, it feels like I am forever busy.

This year taught me a lot more about prioritising and learning how to reject things that did not appeal to me. Before this, I was a sucker to any requests or favours that my friends would ask of me, just because I thought they would do the same if I had asked them of the same things. GUESS WHAT? Not everyone strives to be kind.

Saying no has always been a struggle for me because it’s just not programmed in me. And that is why I did badly in school – I never refused an offer to go out for a walk, to play a “short” game of ultimate, etc etc. This reduced my time for studying, which in turn caused me to sacrifice sleep, anddd resulted in my horrible vegetable results. Oh well, those ultimate frisbee games were fun though, so I don’t know if I can say that I regret those choices *shrugs*. But in 2017, I started saying no. Multiple times, and I learnt a little trick or two about rejecting people. So, there’s that. What I learnt in 2017 #1 🙂

I also learnt that not everybody who said they will always be there for you, will actually be there for you in times of need. In 2017 it got pretty obvious. Fact is, when people say they will be there for me, I take it for real. Those words always mean the world to me when people say it because it’s like a little promise they’re making with my heart. It’s just regretful that not everyone means it, and not everyone will fulfil it. That’s lesson #2, which I somehow learnt the hard way.

In 2017 a mentor told me it’s all about prioritising. It’s never just about time management. You can manage everything you have in the world but if you do them at the wrong time, it’s still pointless. Prioritising is key, and that’s 2017’s most important lesson #3. To-do lists were always my favourite things to write/plan, but getting down to doing the tasks written on them, is the difficult part. SO, I have learnt that deadlines are absolutely salient to abide by, and that in order to meet them I need to start getting my shit together, which means I need to start prioritising. That was what I did and I think I did pretty well at it!

2018 is a brand new year, but it was one I did not anticipate. Every past year, I would so impatiently wait for the new year to arrive for no reason. This year, I kinda dreaded the arrival of 2018. Now that 2018 has come, I am glad it’s going well so far. Any disaster that occurs in January, I’d attribute it with my fear of 2018’s arrival, for sure. And I don’t want that to happen.

Even though this almost never works out, I was asked what my new year’s resolution was. This year, I will strive to be a better friend and a better person as much as I can, on my own terms. Honestly, my terms are not that difficult to meet, it’s just a few simple principles I’m sure many people keep to. So here’s hoping that I would not violate these terms!

Wrote this ages ago when the year started but i don’t know why i didn’t get to posting it. Here u go, kikym. another year filled with things that you want to remember, but no longer can.

Avoidance

I like to be excited over things that are worth anticipating. Just very recently I bought a pair of glasses from Visual Mass while they were on a 1 for 1 discount, and was informed that these glasses will only arrive in late December. THESE are the kinds of small joy that I genuinely look forward to receiving in my life. It’s like a preordered little present to myself for Christmas! I’m completely loving this feeling at the moment.

BUT, what I tend to avoid talking about (unless you’re a really close friend), is the reason that I’m so adamant to get a new pair of glasses even though my current pair of glasses are completely fine.

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Here’s why I don’t like sharing: Avoidance

I have always known that my way of dealing with problems, or just things that I generally dislike… is to avoid it. It isn’t the best way to “confront” my problems (yes, I know how oxymoronic this sounds), but I recalled this incident that happened when I was in preschool, and that was what prompted this post.

It was a normal day where we would board the school bus and my neighbours and I would be scurried off to school. Such a normal day would entail me crying all the way to where we were supposed to board the bus, and screaming my head off when it came to boarding the bus; I disliked going to school, even though I enjoyed learning very much. Long story short, I forgot why I was getting scolded, but on the way home one day, I was reprimanded by the “bus aunty”, as we would call her. I was sitting on the inside of the two seats on the bus, the window seat, and my then-best friend sat beside me, near to the aisle of the bus. While I was getting rebuked, I never stopped looking at the hole that was formed in between my then-best friend’s neck, and the bus seat, even when I was told by the bus aunty to look at her while she is teaching me a lesson.

This action of looking at that hole, I realised that it is a form of avoidance, and I have practiced it since I was five years old. How unbelievable does that sound? In school, I have always been known to be the one to confront any problems that I had with other schoolmates, or even teachers. You can ask my secondary school friends, and even though I’m not proud of this episode at all, I once quarrelled with a teacher because he was wrong, and I was right. I won that argument, but the proud feeling that I had only lasted until I graduated. So what kind of problems do I avoid? Personal problems.

The reason that I seem so carefree and unplagued with problems, is because I almost never admit to any personal problems that I have. And in many cases, I don’t think I’m wrong to do so, but recalling the incident in preschool made me aware that this was the way I dealt with problems. I never thought this was a worry, but maybe the way I handle complications and issues could be slightly altered. I don’t know.

Anyway, here’s the story of a boy who faced his adversity (which could be seen as a problem) with an absolute display of dignity. Every single time I see this trailer, I cannot help but feel emotional :”) I cannot wait to watch it be it in cinemas or online.

Little stories that occupy my mind in the middle of the night #1

This late night storytelling is about an Indian man who I came across, but never had the chance to properly meet.

Seeing him made me so confused – why would someone, or anyone, walk around the carpark with a cloth at 11pm, and somehow looked like he wasn’t going to walk away? As this thought crossed my mind, my father greeted him with a smile and a wave from inside the car. So obviously I asked him if and how they knew each other, and my father replied, this guy washes cars for people for $30/month! When I heard $30, my brain took a double take and I just had to ask, $30/month only? What does he survive on? My father instantly replied, this is his side job, he has a day job and he washes cars for people in this carpark on weekday nights.My heart stopped beating for a second.

All I could think of was how tired he has to be, and how straining his financial situation must be, for him to be washing cars and selling his body to this manual labour that most people would gladly pay to escape from. Yet, he smiles brightly with warmth at every customer as he recognises the cars that are driven into the carpark every single weekday night.

I wanted to probe more to see if my father has any more answers to the many unanswered questions in my head, but I was starting to choke up from thinking about this man’s plight. Pity is a strong word to use, but I guess I would say I sympathise with him, not in a “he’s poor so I sympathise him” way, but rather in a “I wish I could be as strong as him” way.

Typing this made me emotional, only because I realised for a fact that I am not treasuring what I have. Everyone focuses on the things they wish to have, but forgets to be appreciative of the things that they already have. In order to smile so warmly at every single customer, you must be truly contented with what you have. Here’s to this Indian man who knocked some sense into me – thank you for teaching me so much; even though I have never spoken to you, you are a true inspiration and I hope you will strive on and achieve whatever you want!

Being an Ambivert

I don’t know how many people can relate to this – being an ambivert. For people who are reading this and wondering which spectrum of extrovert or introvert this term belongs to, it actually refers to being a mixture, or a balance of both.

First of all, being an ambivert means you are so awkward when it comes to meeting new people. Take for example, a social event, maybe a party. You are never sure if you are able to successfully strike up a conversation with someone you think you would genuinely like to know. Wait, you can’t even muster up the courage to approach them in the first place. You can’t even imagine what to say if you were to initiate anything. So you wait until someone, hopefully a mutual friend,  introduces you to this person. At this point, you feel lucky and happy to know this mutual friend just because that he/she introduced you to the person you wanted to know.

Then, the awkwardness begins. However, you are not a stranger to small talk at all! You engage in a conversation to know more about this person because well, that is what you had wanted to do in the first place. You are careful about revealing too much, you do want that person to keep on talking, and you are cautious about the things you say but at the same time, you want to blurt out so many things.

Consequently, the both of you start to become closer and closer, gradually but surely. Regardless of gender, you feel thankful to have met him/her at the party because it was the event that brought you together. Despite this appreciation, you are somehow still unable to open your heart up to that person fully, no matter how much he/she divulges. It is a headache, to constantly contemplate whether or not to say something that matters to yourself but more than that, you may be worried that this friend might judge, or lower their opinions of you.

Ego-involvement. That is it, no matter what you do, you are somehow unable to let go of this sense of pride in you.

Do you see? If this is relatable to you in some sense, you do have traits of an ambivert, which I believe most people are. There are some people, howbeit, who balance this ambiverted sense of self better than others.

My inspiration to write about this stems from my inner emotions and thoughts that I don’t usually confide in people. I don’t know if I’m going to regret posting this, but it is something that I thought was interesting enough to share.

Being an ambivert has probably made you realize that this world is made up of really nice people. Simultaneously, it is made up of really nasty people as well. Enclosing yourself in your own comfort zone may not be as bad as people think, neither is being alone. Being adventurous though, is something that you know you want, from the bottom of your heart. People nowadays are all for living in the now and #YOLO, right?

Periodically, you crave attention. You want someone to notice you for something that you are doing. Other times, all you want to do is go home and wrap yourself under the blanket and stop interacting with the world.

You are easily influenced by your peers, just as you are easily influenced by that soft but assertive voice in your head. Sometimes, there is no in-between. At times, you cannot spell out your decisions because you don’t know what your heart desires, even if it is a simple conclusion. To put it simply, you know what you want, but you just cannot put your mind to it and tell yourself that is the best decision you can make. You’re neither decisive nor indecisive, something along these lines.

Somehow, everything to you is a passing phase. Oh, I liked flat water bottles at one point because they seemed practical, now I like big and round ones because they are even more practical. Oh, I liked haversacks at one point because it is convenient, now I like tote bags because they are even more convenient. Oh, I liked pens with covers at one point because they looked classy, now I like retractable pens because they look even classier. It is because of this that you cannot decide what to buy for yourself, knowing that you’ll get tired of it. Even this thought makes you exhausted after awhile.

You never know how to describe yourself when the occasion calls for it. For instance, when someone asks you to list something interesting about yourself, you would think all the way back to kindergarten and eventually, manage to find something to say that may not even impress people who were listening. It’s pretty tragic.

Nevertheless, you are beyond grateful that you are an ambivert because you can empathise with both introverts and extroverts. In spite all that was said, the perks of being an ambivert are truly remarkable, to say the least 🙂

Maybe this is just me. 

I’m all for people following their dreams

Casually meandering into the boutique on my own for the first time, I stood briefly at the entrance with both arms stiff by my side and took in with my eyes all the colors on garments that seemed to reflect every ray of light shone on them. The stale odor of the new clothes filled my nose as the rhythm of the electronic dance music played in the store prompted me to nod my head along with it. I then walked in and proceeded to touch any clothing that caught my attention. Soft, smooth, thin, thick, warm, lightweight… they all felt so voguish.

Should I pick that soft sweatshirt, or this pretty suede skirt? Should I purchase that twenty-dollar vest, or that everyday dress? How do I decide what to choose? I craved to feel the best version of myself in whatever I wore, but at the same time, I wanted things that did not fit into that category. Living in a first world country where comfort has never been an issue got me to question my lifestyle. Had I been living, or just surviving based on societal standards? There are so many things that I want, and I intend to turn the wants into plans.

I plan to feel more than the six types of innate emotions that everyone else in the world experiences. I plan to feel genuine, raw emotions while doing something that I am truly passionate about. I plan to feel the soft wind brush against my skin and the itch for adventure tickle my heart. I plan to experience more than what I have imagined from books since a tender age. I plan to be the person that I aspire to be as I pursue things and subjects that I have always been sincerely intrigued by.

NTS; 2017

This generation, or rather, the generation below yours, is truly the strawberry generation. They are less hardworking and less willing to find answers because they feel that they are entitled to the knowledge.

Someone told me this and it was just kinda embedded in my mind. Rephrased, but it carries the same meaning. Rather than just lazing back and waiting for an answer to be delivered, we should be working towards getting them. Our generation is so used to getting everything on a platter that most of the time, we just take it for granted. Yes, we have access to clean water and a roof over our heads, we have education that is compulsory and live in a country that is peaceful and harmonious. But I think it is exactly these privileges that made us who we are. Selfish, entitled brats.

C’mon now, I’m not saying we cry like brats just because we don’t get what we want. We, however, pause at crossroads and decide that if it gets too tough, we can always U-turn or just stay where we are, contented. But one can’t be happy forever. That was not how people above our generations lived. They worked, and when they got happy and satisfied, they work even harder because they know a brighter future awaits ahead of them. It is of a different era now, but I think this spirit can still be carried on instead of letting it die in the older generations.


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I saw this beautiful blog post about wants. Instead of saying “I want to”, I got to start saying “I plan to.” Turn wants into plans so that they become actual goals instead of mere empty words. It is a fact that I haven’t began to plan yet, but this will be my top resolution for next year. Speaking of 2017, it’s actually arriving in about half a month. How insane is that??

In less than half a month, a new year will arrive and everyone will be crafting their new resolutions for the year. But how many people actually stick through it for the entire year? Most people give up at the end of January, even on simple resolutions such as eating less junk food.

In less than half a month, high school students will be heading to school again and wishing that they graduate from the hell hole soon enough. Little do they know, the outside world is more vicious than they ever imagined, and college is only going to get tougher.

In less than half a month, I would be on my way to say hi to a month of winter break from school. There will be many important decisions to make, and most of it are to be made alone, but I will get through it for sure.

In less than half a month, my brother would be enlisting in the army and I would only get to see him for two days a week. Less, if he decides to go out with his friends on weekends as well. I’m definitely going to miss him.. Don’t know how I’ll deal with it yet but I’ll see as the date draws near.

These are just several changes that I will be experiencing in the coming month. I will never be ready but it will come anyway. To be honest, when people say change is the only constant I keep thinking about what changes I’ve been through. I’ve tried to view it from another perspective and realised that when people say change is the only constant, they mean time too. Time is constantly changing, and we take that for granted because it’s right beneath our noses. We can’t see it, touch it, nor feel it. But time changes. That is so important because now I know that and I need to do something about it.

So here is a note to self: planning is essential but spontaneity isn’t all that bad either. Stop getting caught up in situations and realising that leaving might be the solution, because it’s not. Determination is 🙂