Being an Ambivert

Being an Ambivert

I don’t know how many people can relate to this – being an ambivert. For people who are reading this and wondering which spectrum of extrovert or introvert this term belongs to, it actually refers to being a mixture, or a balance of both.

First of all, being an ambivert means you are so awkward when it comes to meeting new people. Take for example, a social event, maybe a party. You are never sure if you are able to successfully strike up a conversation with someone you think you would genuinely like to know. Wait, you can’t even muster up the courage to approach them in the first place. You can’t even imagine what to say if you were to initiate anything. So you wait until someone, hopefully a mutual friend,  introduces you to this person. At this point, you feel lucky and happy to know this mutual friend just because that he/she introduced you to the person you wanted to know.

Then, the awkwardness begins. However, you are not a stranger to small talk at all! You engage in a conversation to know more about this person because well, that is what you had wanted to do in the first place. You are careful about revealing too much, you do want that person to keep on talking, and you are cautious about the things you say but at the same time, you want to blurt out so many things.

Consequently, the both of you start to become closer and closer, gradually but surely. Regardless of gender, you feel thankful to have met him/her at the party because it was the event that brought you together. Despite this appreciation, you are somehow still unable to open your heart up to that person fully, no matter how much he/she divulges. It is a headache, to constantly contemplate whether or not to say something that matters to yourself but more than that, you may be worried that this friend might judge, or lower their opinions of you.

Ego-involvement. That is it, no matter what you do, you are somehow unable to let go of this sense of pride in you.

Do you see? If this is relatable to you in some sense, you do have traits of an ambivert, which I believe most people are. There are some people, howbeit, who balance this ambiverted sense of self better than others.

My inspiration to write about this stems from my inner emotions and thoughts that I don’t usually confide in people. I don’t know if I’m going to regret posting this, but it is something that I thought was interesting enough to share.

Being an ambivert has probably made you realize that this world is made up of really nice people. Simultaneously, it is made up of really nasty people as well. Enclosing yourself in your own comfort zone may not be as bad as people think, neither is being alone. Being adventurous though, is something that you know you want, from the bottom of your heart. People nowadays are all for living in the now and #YOLO, right?

Periodically, you crave attention. You want someone to notice you for something that you are doing. Other times, all you want to do is go home and wrap yourself under the blanket and stop interacting with the world.

You are easily influenced by your peers, just as you are easily influenced by that soft but assertive voice in your head. Sometimes, there is no in-between. At times, you cannot spell out your decisions because you don’t know what your heart desires, even if it is a simple conclusion. To put it simply, you know what you want, but you just cannot put your mind to it and tell yourself that is the best decision you can make. You’re neither decisive nor indecisive, something along these lines.

Somehow, everything to you is a passing phase. Oh, I liked flat water bottles at one point because they seemed practical, now I like big and round ones because they are even more practical. Oh, I liked haversacks at one point because it is convenient, now I like tote bags because they are even more convenient. Oh, I liked pens with covers at one point because they looked classy, now I like retractable pens because they look even classier. It is because of this that you cannot decide what to buy for yourself, knowing that you’ll get tired of it. Even this thought makes you exhausted after awhile.

You never know how to describe yourself when the occasion calls for it. For instance, when someone asks you to list something interesting about yourself, you would think all the way back to kindergarten and eventually, manage to find something to say that may not even impress people who were listening. It’s pretty tragic.

Nevertheless, you are beyond grateful that you are an ambivert because you can empathise with both introverts and extroverts. In spite all that was said, the perks of being an ambivert are truly remarkable, to say the least 🙂

Maybe this is just me. 

Faith in humanity restored

Faith in humanity restored

There are many instances when I would go “aww…” when I see a touching video on Twitter or Facebook of someone helping another out in this world we know that is filled with cruelty and not so much kindness. Whether it is a small act of kindness, a huge one that gains so much publicity it calls for a controversy, or even an anonymous act of goodwill, they all bring me to the verge of tears. Yes, I’m a total sucker for touching little things.

Today at the Batu Caves in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, I had a real life encounter of a kind act. Albeit small, it was something that warmed my heart instantly.

It started drizzling when we were descending the stairs and by the time we reached the bottom, it was already kinda pouring. So we had to seek shelter in the small little space they had in front of the 272-steps staircase.

The woman in beige white, rushed up the stairs with an umbrella on the last flight despite not having the best mobility, and helped the Indian lady down the last two flights of stairs. It may not seem like much because there were so many flights of stairs above where she did not offer her help, but the rain only got really heavy during the last 3 flights, which slowed down the lady’s speed in descending the stairs and explains the kind act.

It was so rewarding to see such an act of kindness because we were all stuck in the shelter under the heavy and unforgiving rain. Under those circumstances, anyone with an umbrella would have offered to help, including myself, but it was a coincidence that we were all just stuck in the rain with no umbrella or whatsoever equipment that we could use to shelter the lady from the rain.

Not to toot my own horn, but my father helped a Caucasian lady with her child down the stairs as well as the rain began to get heavier. The lady was thankful along with the small boy, and it really made my day a whole lot better. I wanted to much to help because I saw them first, but the boy is about 3-4 years old and I wasn’t sure if I could shoulder his weight AND descend the rather steep steps on the staircase.

This marks the end of this wonderful story that heightened my faith in humanity. It was beautiful and I wanted to document it so I would never forget to be kind ✨

This world is not my oyster

Why are some of the relationships that I am in so toxic? It sometimes hurts to even breathe the same air as some of the people around me. But I am not a master of pretending that I’m fine when I’m not. In the past I thought I was good at it – carrying around a facade that nobody could see through. I don’t know what happened but I am no longer able to fool anyone. I found out recently that I wear my feelings on my face, be it annoyance, anger, happiness or stress. Especially stress. Everyone can see it, which is why I have been so annoyed at everything in general. Being defensive is my defence. I’m starting to dislike that people are acting according to what I want, because they don’t challenge me at all. They do not make me feel like I really have won when I say I want to something. I think I am starting to consider those people toxic too. As much as I’m hating myself for thinking this way, I cannot help it. Fuck all of it, just let me loose. I can’t wait for the day when I can let go of myself and stop being so uptight. I remember being so offended the first time told me that I’m uptight, although I already knew for a fact that I am. Now, I want to be the person who knows exactly when and how to let go. Let others challenge me, then win squarely. 

I have to also stop being contented with life. Just recently I heard from someone that you can’t just be contented with life, or where you are at this certain stage of life because that is when you stop improving, that is when your thirst for improvement ceases. After I heard this I realise I’m getting too comfortable and contented with where I am and I hate it, which is why I am learning but I don’t want to become a different person because of that. Then again, I don’t think I can stop myself from being annoyed at certain things even when I know I shouldn’t be. I don’t know. P.s. friends, if you read this post and decide that you can talk me into telling you what’s going on, don’t try. Unless you’re ready for an argument. So please don’t, I don’t want to sound rude but please don’t. please.

TOTT #2

When you truly believe that something will happen in your favour, you feel good because you think that you have confidence that things will go your way.
What if it doesn’t?
Things don’t always go the way we plan. I think people get upset over that way too often. I get upset over that pretty often too. I would have the beautiful perfect image of how everything was going to turn out nicely and it just…. disappears. Reality kicks in and it does not happen. How do you think I feel when that happens?
Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe it.
But what can I do? Nothing.
So I sulk. Being the positive and overly optimistic me, I try to convince myself that I will eventually be fine and everything will be okay because if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Like I said before, that is something I strongly believe in. So I dwell in my own bubble for a little while, stop talking to my friends because honestly that would just make me feel more useless that I was unable to accomplish that particular task that I set for myself. After that while, I convince myself that I am fine and I will live. Because I will, what else am I supposed to do, right?
I hang in there because that’s the best thing I can do for myself. Life is going to throw a lot more at you than just a little bit of sadness and rocky road. You are going to need more than just energy and determination, you need to persevere no matter what the odds are.
I am not perfect, but I will keep pushing myself forward. I will keep trying, that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself. I know I always sound like I’m trying to motivate myself and somehow sound like a self-help book on my own, but the reality is, there are 7.4 billion people in this world. There are 5.4 million individuals in Singapore. I don’t know everyone, but somehow I have to compete with just about everyone who is my age, or older. It means that I either have to be open to the idea and engage in healthy competition, or just resign to fate and let other people decide what I should do. I had a realisation the other day that if I am going to aspire to be someone I want to be, then I got to do things that will lead me there, and not just sigh at my misfortunes. Hence, that is exactly what I want to do – work hard towards my small goals and landing where I want to be in the future despite all the setbacks. I may change my opinion or aspiration in the future, but it will be okay as long as I work hard (hopefully).

TOTT #1

Humans really do need a physical reminder of someone’s absence in order for them to start treasuring the amount of time they spend together. I can’t remember the last time I missed someone so much that my heart ached, but this is one of those times. It’s silly to think about, but when my mind drifts over this topic, it can’t stop. Hence, thoughts on the train (TOTT).

This makes me wonder if my physical presence affects anyone. It was impossible to ignore my presence when I was schooling – I’m loud and sarcastic 95% of the time. When I’m not, it becomes weird and unusual. I thought of something, What happens when I’m not around? Do people actually miss me? If i enjoy your company, I become needy for your attention. It’s bad because it feels like I can’t live without people around me, when in fact I can. I go out alone, I don’t mind shopping alone, and neither do I mind eating alone. Other than eating alone, which I honestly would prefer not to, I’ve done the other 2 many times. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But I’m just wondering if people miss my presence when I’m not physically there. Such a weird topic to approach; and if you want to hear my own answer: no,  I don’t think people actually miss my presence, they just notice it. I guess this is how I keep myself interesting – by attracting as much attention as I can get. I used to think of the adjective “attention-seeking” as an insult, but now I’m so neutral towards it, it kind of scares me. I’ve toned down by so much though, I’m proud of myself, sort of. I mean, I take insults pretty well too.

I’m afraid though, that because of my personality I do not command respect among some other people around me. It scares me a lot, actually. This is the 2nd reason for this heartache that I am experiencing today. It physically hurts. Can someone save me from this wrench inside that is tearing my heart apart?